Where’s My Money

April 10, 2010.
“Hi, Marilyn”, Daniel said looking up from some financial reports. “You look angry is something wrong?” he asked. “You bet there’s something wrong. First I had to drag dad’s dead body all over the place and wear his clothes, and now you have me on some strict financial diet. I’m living like a nun. No vacations, no fun, nothing,” shouted Marilyn. “Now, Marilyn, we discussed this with dad last December, until his body is found, we can’t spend any money. Its not ours until he is officially dead, and the longer he sits out there, the harder it will be for them to prove his date of death. You’ve been doing a great job going out in the wrong direction every day looking for his body since the snow melted. Let’s keep this up for a few more months. If they haven’t found him by August, we’ll have to find him”, answered Daniel. “I don’t like it one bit”, Marilyn retorted. “Just keep in mind that if this works, you’ll have Two and a Half Billion dollars more, Marilyn”, Daniel responded. “Okay, said Marilyn, but times running”.

June 15, 2010

“Daniel, I’m getting tired of this. What is our deadline for finding dad” begged Marilyn. “Let’s say August 15, 2010. That will allow us a month to do the estate tax return on time”, replied Daniel. “Daniel doesn’t it bother you that Dad is out there, you know, the thought grosses me out”, Marilyn queried. “Yeah, when I think about it, it is, but what do you think happens after someone is buried?” replied Daniel. “I just want to get this over with, soon”, said Marilyn. “Trust me after this is over, you can have all the cabana boys you want”, Daniel smiled at her mischievously.

Where Oh Where did He go?

“No”, Daniel responded , “and the doctor is afraid of him catching a secondary infection. Even we have to put on masks. I see there’s a card with it, do you mind if I give it to him and read him the card, Gladys?” “That=s fine, we just want him ‘to know we love him”, she answered and she turned and headed for her car on the circular driveway a bit upset that she couldn’t get more intel on Sidney’s condition, but happy to get the information she got. That would keep some of her clients chirping for days.

“Marilyn, I’m going to lock the gate to the road, I can’t take any more visitors”, Daniel shouted. “I don’t want you to have to deal with two bodies.”

December 31, 2010.

The phone rang at the Frome residence. “Hello this is Sidney Frome, please leave a message and we’ll get back to you as soon as possible”. The beeper sounded, “Hello Sid, pick up this is Fred, I wanted to see how you were doing”. Marilyn picked up the telephone. “Sid, daddy’s sleeping, but he seemed real perky today.”

January 1, 2010.

Before dawn that morning, Daniel and Marilyn took Sidney’s body and dropped it off in the woods outside of town, near the creek. They put some leaves around it, so that it would not be clearly visible. Daniel said to Marilyn, “you know this is how most horror movies start”. “Cut it out Dan” replied Marilyn, “this already gives me the creeps. I’ll probably need therapy for the rest of my life”.

Around noon, the phone rang and Marilyn answered. It was the lawyer. “I just wanted to call and wish Sid a happy New Year.” “Thanks” Marilyn said. “Daniel is giving him a shower right now. Dad feels real good today and is thinking about taking a walk later on before dark.” “Is that wise?” the lawyer asked, concern clearly evident in his voice. “You know Dad, he’s one stubborn old bird. We’ll try and stop him, but if he decides he wants to go, he’ll go.” Fred laughed, “Your father sometimes is just too much. Tell him Happy New Year and don’t be stupid”. As he hung up the phone, Fred looked outside. “Wow its starting to snow, that should keep the old buzzard inside”, he thought.. “Honey, do want me to put a fire in the fireplace for when the Mallons come over this afternoon?”

Just before dusk, Marilyn put on clothes identical to her father’s. She put a scarf over her face and wore no make up and put on glasses identical to her fathers and went on a walk toward town. As expected people shouted out to her and she kept her head down and kept walking. She walked into the woods where her father’s body was dumped, jumped up to a lower limb and climbed the tree like a teen and moved over to another tree where a change of clothes had been left for her. She changed clothes went back to the house. She waited an hour and went outside toward town, ringing doorbells and asking people if they had seen her father. She walked around yelling, “Dad, Dad”. Of course Sidney never responded.

The sheriff called for the blood hounds, but with the fresh snow, they lost the tracks very quickly and their handler was worried that they might get frost bitten. So, the search was called off.

January 2, 2010.

The Sheriff started a search party around town and around the farm, but to no avail. The Sheriff scratched his head. He couldn’t have gone too far, he thought to himself. He continued searching for three more days, but without any sign of the body, he figured, they’d have to wait until the snow melted.

We interrupt this story for some breaking news

It appears that UBS has reach a settlement with the IRS vis a vis its summons. They will turn over documentation to the IRS on August 12. Why is this relevant you ask? if you have a foreign UBS account, that means that if you did not file a Form 90.22-1 (FBAR) for that account and don’t do so by Tuesday night, you could be subject to criminal penalties. This effectively moves up the amnesty deadline for UBS overseas customers from September 12 to August 11.

Why does the phone keep ringing?

December 23, 2009

“Well Marilyn, Dad’s dead. You know the drill. We put the clothes that we got from the Discountmart two counties over on him.” “I know Daniel, then we put him in the large walk-in freezer and hope no one comes calling on him”. “Daniel, this is really messy and pretty gross.” “I know Marilyn, but do you want to inherit $2 Billion or $1 Billion, if that because we’d have to sell the business?” “Stop shouting, Daniel, I’m just feeling a bit queasy about all of this.” “Marilyn, this is your chance at pure financial freedom, all the partying you could ever want for the rest of your life, security for any children you might have, and keeping the business in our family.” “I know, Daniel and I’m sorry, I’ll help you get Dad ready for the freezer”.

December 24, 2009

“Hello, Marilyn, this is Gladys Johnson in town, does your father want to go to the Midnight Christmas Eve Service at the Church tonight, he hasn’t missed one in years.?”

“Oh Gladys, I’m sorry but he’s really doing quite poorly, I hope he makes it to Christmas, but thanks for asking about him”, Marilyn cooed in her most seriously earnest sounding voice. She feared that Gladys would be a problem for the next few weeks because she was a busy body. Gladys Johnson was a hair dresser at the Hairs Today Gone Tomorrow. She made it her life’s work to know everyone else’s business so that she could dispense gossipy tidbits to ensure her steady stream of blue haired ladies at the salon. Gladys had a voice that sounded like a lawnmower, and her red dyed hair gave her a clown-like quality. Yes, she would be a problem.

December 25, 2009

“Hello, Daniel, thees is Esmerelda, I wanted to call and thank Mr. Frome for the trip to Florida and wish him a Merry Christmas.” “He’s ahh very weak, Esmerelda, he’ll probably only be able to say “Merry Christmas to you”, replied Daniel.

Daniel picked up the tape player and punched the button, “Hello”, Sid’s voice was weak. “Hello Mr. Frome, this is Esmerelda.” She paused hoping for a response, but there was none. She continued, “I just wanted to call and thank you for the trip and wish you a Merry Christmas”.

Daniel had been changing the tape. “Merry Christmas” Sid seemed to reply. At that point, Daniel spoke, “Esmerelda, he seems quite weak today, Thank you for calling and we’ll see you next week. Merry Christmas”.

A few minutes later the doorbell rang, it was that pesky Gladys Johnson, holding a jar with a ribbon on it. Daniel answered the door. “Hi, Ms. Johnson, what brings you out here?” “Well I know how your father likes my apple butter, so I wanted to give this to him. Is he awake?”